Why You’re Addicted to the Chase (And How to Heal It)
Why You’re Addicted to the Chase (And How to Heal It)
Love shouldn’t feel like survival mode. Here’s why the chaos feels so good, and how to stop craving it.
You don’t even like him.
But your stomach drops when he doesn’t text back. Why?
We say we want calm, healthy love, but when someone actually gives it to us, we pull away. Ghost. Get “the ick.” Or miss the ex who gave us anxiety attacks disguised as butterflies.
That’s not your fault. But it is your nervous system.
If love has always meant intensity, inconsistency, or having to earn someone’s attention, then peace won’t feel romantic. It’ll feel wrong.
You’re not in love with them. You’re addicted to the chase.
If that hit too hard, keep reading. We’re about to unpack the psychology behind the chaos, the cost of craving it, and most importantly, how to finally break the pattern for good.
🔗 Want to know why fantasy love keeps you stuck?
Read: The Love We Think We Want vs. The Love That’s Actually Good for Us
🔍 Here’s What We’ll Cover:
Why the chase feels so good (even when it hurts)
The childhood patterns that make chaos feel like love
The emotional cost of confusing intensity with intimacy
How to actually start healing and feel safe in secure relationships
What to do when you miss the “high” of an unavailable person
💥 The Psychology of the Chase
Love, Dopamine, and the Thrill of Uncertainty
The reason you crave someone hot and cold isn’t because you’re broken. It’s because your brain got trained to light up when love is unpredictable.
When someone gives you affection only sometimes, your brain releases a rush of dopamine, just like a slot machine payout. That inconsistency hooks you in harder than someone who’s always there.
This is called intermittent reinforcement, and it’s one of the most addictive behavioral patterns known to psychology.
Your body isn’t mistaking red flags for love. It’s mistaking chaos for familiarity.
And it’s not just your brain. It’s your nervous system. If you grew up walking on eggshells, guessing how people felt about you, or learning that love had to be earned, then healthy love might feel… boring.
That’s why you scroll past the person who texts you back too fast.
That’s why you're still checking their story, hoping for a high.
That’s why your “type” always leaves you second-guessing yourself.
You don’t miss them. You miss the emotional rollercoaster they kept you on.
🧠 Want to go deeper into the science behind love addiction?
Read: 💔 The Science of Love Bombing: How Modern Romance Became a Mind Game
🌪 Where It Comes From
Childhood, Attachment Wounds & What You Learned Was ‘Love’
You didn’t just wake up one day and decide to chase emotionally unavailable people. Somewhere along the way, you were taught that love has to be earned. That affection is conditional. That your needs might be “too much.” That you should be grateful for crumbs.
Maybe your parents were physically present but emotionally absent. Maybe you had to perform to be noticed. Or maybe love only came after silence, sulking, or confusion. You didn’t feel chosen. You felt tested.
“If love was a game you had to win growing up, no wonder you keep playing it now.”
This is the root of anxious attachment.
You crave closeness but fear rejection.
You pursue but panic.
You chase connection, but the moment it gets stable, you sabotage it.
You mistake attention for affection.
You confuse jealousy for love.
You chase hot-and-cold dynamics because they mirror what your nervous system learned was ‘normal.’
And when someone comes in and shows you kindness without making you work for it?
Your body calls it boring.
Your brain calls it suspicious.
Your inner child calls it a trap.
But it’s not. It’s safety. You just don’t recognize it yet.
💡 Related Read:
Still working to understand how this shows up in conflict, communication, or dating patterns?
🔗 Read: How Your Attachment Style Shows Up in Conflict (And How to Stay Connected Through It)
🩸 The Emotional Cost of the Chase
Why It’s Not Romantic, It’s Exhausting
Chasing someone doesn’t make you feel powerful. It makes you feel depleted.
It leaves you constantly analyzing messages, waiting for a shift in tone, and blaming yourself for their emotional distance. One moment, they’re warm. The next, they’re cold. And every time they pull away, you try harder to win them back.
“You’re not chasing love. You’re chasing proof that you’re enough.”
This emotional tug-of-war creates an addictive loop of anxiety and temporary relief. It keeps your nervous system stuck in survival mode; fighting for love, freezing when it’s gone, and fawning to get it back.
Eventually, you confuse that panic with passion. But it’s not. It’s a trauma response.
You begin to:
Feel unworthy when they pull away
Blame yourself for their silence
Over-function just to keep them close
Worst of all, you start believing love is supposed to feel like this.
That if it’s calm, you must be settling.
That if someone doesn’t give you butterflies (read: anxiety), it must not be real.
🔗 Read Next: Why an All-Consuming, Passionate “Love” is a One-Way Ticket to Hell
🛠 How to Heal the Pattern
Nervous System Safety, Rewiring Attraction & Choosing Peace
The good news? This cycle can be broken. You are not doomed to chase people who can’t meet you halfway. But healing doesn’t come from logic alone. It comes from the body. From practicing safety. From giving yourself the very things you once begged someone else to give you.
Real love, the kind that doesn’t hurt, can feel strange at first. It might seem too quiet. Too easy. But that unfamiliar calmness isn’t a red flag. It’s the absence of chaos. And the more time you spend in it, the more your nervous system will start to understand: this is what safety feels like.
🔹 Rewire What You Find Attractive
What we call “chemistry” is often just familiarity. If you’ve only known inconsistent or hot-and-cold love, someone steady and emotionally available might not feel exciting. You might even mislabel that calmness as boring. But attraction isn’t always a sign of compatibility. Sometimes, it’s just your trauma recognizing itself in someone else.
Ask yourself:
Am I drawn to this person because of who they are, or because they’re unpredictable?
Do I feel curious and calm, or am I just anxious and craving validation?
Would I still be interested if they stopped pulling away?
Start noticing who actually makes you feel safe in your body, not just who gives you butterflies. Because those butterflies? They’re often your nervous system sounding the alarm, not singing a love song.
You’re not bored. You’re just not panicking. And that’s not a lack of passion, it’s the beginning of peace.
🔹 Regulate Your Nervous System
If love has always felt like a fight, your body may not recognize peace as safe. That’s not something you can just “think” your way out of. Your nervous system needs to be retrained.
Try this:
Before reacting, pause. Place your hand on your chest and ask yourself, “What am I feeling underneath this urgency?”
If you feel the pull to chase someone, text them, or spiral into analysis, try writing about it first. Notice the pattern.
Practice grounding activities like deep breathing, stretching, walking outside, or repeating affirmations like:
I don’t have to earn love. I don’t have to chase it to keep it.
Your body is not broken. It’s doing what it learned to do, protect you. But it’s safe now. And it’s allowed to learn a new way.
🔹 Surround Yourself with Safe People
We heal in relationships, especially with people who are consistent, respectful, and kind. These don’t have to be romantic partners. Friends, mentors, even gentle strangers can help remind your nervous system what it feels like to be seen without performing.
Safe people:
Communicate honestly, not manipulatively
Don’t make you question where you stand
Respect your boundaries the first time you set them
Stay steady, even when things aren’t perfect
Notice who makes you feel calm after spending time with them. Who makes you laugh without tension. Who allows you to show up without overexplaining or earning your place.
These are the relationships that repair what the past fractured.
🔗 For more on what healthy love looks like, read: 💫 Healthy Love: How to Spot and Build Secure Attachment
✨ Reflection Prompts
Use these as journal questions, quiet thoughts, or conversation starters in safe spaces:
When I feel triggered in love, what am I usually afraid of?
Do I associate emotional intensity with closeness?
What does emotional safety look and feel like to me?
Who in my life makes me feel grounded rather than anxious?
If I stopped chasing love, what would I have space to feel instead?
💭 Final Thoughts
Healing your relationship patterns is not about becoming perfect. It’s about becoming aware. Every time you pause instead of chase, speak your need instead of shrinking, or choose peace over chaos, you are showing yourself something powerful:
You no longer need to beg to be loved. You already are.
Give your nervous system the patience it was never given.
Choose stillness, even when it feels awkward.
Let safe love surprise you.
You are worthy of a connection that doesn’t leave you guessing.
📚 References:
Bowlby, J. (1958). The nature of the child's tie to his mother
Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process
Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change
Johnson, S. (2004). The practice of emotionally focused couple therapy
The Gottman Institute: What Makes Love Last
Verywell Mind: Love Addiction & Secure Attachment
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